I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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