whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
