Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
