i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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