Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dignity is for republicans.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
