I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
