if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
