you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
