ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
