I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
