I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
where does the pee come out of this thing
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
