I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
