Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
