The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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