I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
