I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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