I should be sponsored by Trojan
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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