Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
