The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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