The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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