My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
