Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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