My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
