Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
