I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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