I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
