You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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