why do cheetos always look like penises
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
