he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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