I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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