I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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