i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
