Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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