Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
