You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
