I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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