i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
