you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I could fuck to npr.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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