His pubic hair was longer than his dick
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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