All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
