For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
