Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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