You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
this just has baby written all over it
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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