Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
