is your mom at the bar?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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