at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
