I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
