I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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