Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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