Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just googled if crying burns calories
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
