I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
