I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
how drunk are you?
Several
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
