do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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