you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
