When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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