I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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