Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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