all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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