This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
